So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
