there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
