insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
