I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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