I can text with my tongue
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
