wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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