I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
