Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I want her autograph on my taint
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
