what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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