You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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