The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
