I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
