her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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