I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm too high and old for this...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
