I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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