Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
