When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I need a burrito and a hug.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize