My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
