I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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