This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
