The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
