I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think your dad took our porno
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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