She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
