can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
