My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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