The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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