Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
