Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize