i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
