i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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