It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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