haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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