apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
