she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
