I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
