youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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