Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
be right there i have to get my cape
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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