Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
