there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The beer is more important than you right now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
