I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
