I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize