At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
