Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
