Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
