I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i already hear my dad disowning me
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
