Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
