I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
