Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
