Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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