Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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