she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize