dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
