Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
